Posted by: Chris Maloney | March 19, 2012

Dr. Oz’s 10 Weight-Loss Commandments Reworked

Eat Me

Eat Me (Photo credit: Creative Abubot)

Dr. Oz’s 10 Weight-Loss Commandments | The Dr. Oz Show.

The goal of the ten commandments was to help people lose ten pounds.  Not an incredible goal, but one beyond the reach of many.

Ok, I know that Dr. Oz was joking when he came out with two fake stone tablets, but I do feel like he could have looked at the order of the commandments and maybe thought about which ones should be first.  If you’re going to play Moses, that’s a pretty high bar to reach.

If you already know the commandments, great.  If not, here they are in a more reasonable order with changes noted.

1.  Chew your food at least twenty times.  This commandment alone should do the trick.  Most people wolf down their food in huge bites, so they’ve consumed far too many calories by the time their stomach has a chance to signal it is overstuffed.

2.  Not piling food more than one inch high or within two inches of the edge of the plate.  In controlling portion size, it is also important not to eat at places that pile your food to the edge of your plate, or buffet places where you’ve paid a set price and will “lose money” if you don’t stuff yourself like a sausage.  Again, this commandment alone should result in weight loss over a year.

I would combine a number of different commandments.  Not eating standing up, not carrying small bills, and not eating four-legged meat more than once a week can all be combined into:

3.  Thou shalt not eat fast food or processed food more than once a week.  If you don’t rely on someone else to prepare your meals, you’re going to lose weight.  Frozen healthy meals are ok, but just don’t eat things that come out of machines or through windows unless your local organic farmer has a drive through.

I don’t like the stretch pants or the fat clothes restrictions.  First, the stretch pants only work on women, because men all keep their pants low enough their bellies can flop over.  men also don’t buy fat clothes, they just keep wearing their regular clothes until they look like oversized children.

So let’s combine the two and make:

4.  Thou shalt only wear clothes that make you look good.  I have thin patients you look homeless, and fat patients who wear tents.  Take a little more time at Goodwill people.  It doesn’t have to be expensive, it just needs to be a reasonable fit for you now.  Wearing anything else makes you look bad.  Looking bad in most cases makes you feel bad, and then we all look for something sweet.

I disagree with the grazing rule.  I would prefer you graze on veggies sticks than  obsessively starve.  So I’m changing it to:

5. Thou shalt only graze on green or healthy things.  If you must, put everything else somewhere else. If this doesn’t work, have five or six smaller meals rather than continuously walking in and out.

The 7:30 pm rule doesn’t cover the fact that many people have dinner and television before that time.  A better rule would be:

6:  Thou shalt not eat high calorie, high fat food in front of the T.V.  Eat only healthy food, and make sure your chew each bite twenty times.  Eating candy while watching Dr. Oz?  Get some mixed veggies and a decent dip.

7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s plate.  Don’t steal other people’s food.  I’ll leave it as is.  If you can, bring healthy snacks with you wherever you go.  Remember, I lifted the ban on grazing.

Now I’ve got some room for a few more commandments.

8.  Thou shalt eat consciously.  You are just present, chewing, while you eat.  Don’t pretend you can do this all the time.  But do it at the beginning, middle, and end of every meal.  Just check in with yourself about how you feel.  That way when you’re two-thirds of the way down a bag of old pork rinds you found back behind the fridge, you might just stop and think:  “you know, these are pretty stale.”  Or when you’re out with your in-laws who all look like Ken and Barbie, you can realize you’re having a miserable time and not getting what you want on the menu to try and please them.  Hey, if this is your one time a week of bingeing, don’t waste it on the patty melt.  Get the whole lobster and enjoy the lapses in conversation as you bust it open.  Then watch as they covet your plate.

9.  Thou shalt eat as locally and in season as you reasonably can.  No offense to Doc Oz, but all four legged animals are not created equal.  A locally grown, grass fed beast has as much relation to one of its mass produced brethren as it does to a chicken.  So support your local community and try to eat things that haven’t been trucked half way around the world.  Food isn’t just personal, it’s global.  If you’re feeling this commandment, take it to the next level and join a farm share program where you put in a day or two weeding the food you’ll eat in the fall.

10.  Thou shalt know that thou art human, imperfect, and beautiful.  Weight can make self-hatred and self-judgment parts of every day.  If you cannot eat without guilt, then that food is doing you little good.  Be honest with yourself, learn your weaknesses, and gently help yourself to do what is right for you.  But never forget that perfection doesn’t exist.  We are all trying to improve ourselves.

In the reversal of what is commonly quoted, work so that you treat yourself as well as your neighbor.  Treating your neighbor as yourself, with the starvation, the screaming and abuse, and the bouts of hatred, would land you in prison.  So work toward treating yourself with the same respect you would give a stranger on the street.  If you can’t say anything nice to yourself, then don’t yell.  When we get yelled at, we look for something sweet. Now don’t start that again!



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